July 2012 Pearls of Encouragement for CWMs
Welcome/Need Your Help
Article – Marriage Myths
Final Thoughts

 

The Voices of Christian Working Moms

Newly Released Book
written by
Author Kimberly Chastain

Welcome

As a CWM or just any Mom we often don’t hear thank you very often. So, can I just take this time to thank you for being a part of the CWM community. Also, thank you for all you do for your family, church, and work place. You may feel that no one notices, but God sees all you do for His glory.

Welcome to all the new CWM sisters in Christ who have joined us. Check out www.christianworkingmom.com for previous articles, information on coaching, and the book I have written, The Voices of Christian Working Moms.

I still need more CWMs to be interviewed. If you are interested, please send an email to Kimberly@kimberlychastain.com and I will send you an email with the questions. Thanks in advance for your help.

Article – Marriage Myths

I have been a Marriage and Family Therapist for over 25 years now (I started when I was 5, otherwise that sounds really old!!) and there are some common things I hear in my office day in and day out. So, I want to share some myths with you about the perfect marriage. My hope is that you will realize some of the problems in your marriage are fairly common. Let me give you one word of warning. What I’m sharing are tendencies I see in marriage counseling. There are always going to be exceptions to the things I list. Please don’t see this as absolutes.

So, here we go:

  1. My husband is supposed to be my best friend. Your husband is not going to be like your best girlfriend. Your girlfriend can talk with you hours about details. Husbands do not tend to have long in-depth conversations. Your husband cannot meet all your emotional needs.
  2. An affair in a marriage is automatic grounds for divorce. Marriages can survive affairs. I have seen many marriages improve tremendously after an affair. That does not mean I recommend an affair to spice up a marriage. What I mean is affairs are incredibly painful and difficult, but if both spouses are willing to work on the marriage then the marriage can continue. God is in the business of repairing impossible marriages.
  3. If we both work we should share the chores 50/50. Yes, that is an ideal situation and sounds fair. To be honest though in most marriages women do more than 50% of the chores. Women often see things that need to be done around the house that men do not see. I have found in years of counseling instead of nagging about the chores or wishing your husband would see the mess ask him to do a specific task. The most often response I hear from women is that means I’m treating him like one of the kids why should I have to tell him? The goal is getting the chores done not the process of who said what when.
  4. I’m not happy in my marriage or the romance is gone. Another myth, closely related is God would not want me to be miserable so I’m getting a divorce. First of all the fireworks romance you had when you were first married cannot continue for 20 years. The passion becomes different; you feel more comfortable with one another. You feel known. Being happy is not a realistic goal, because being happy is so difficult to define. Happy is a momentary emotion. It is impossible to be happy all the time. There is nothing in the Bible that God says we are “owed” being happy in marriage. Read 1 Corinthians 13 – the love chapter. Most of chapter talks about dying to self. Dying to self can only be done in the power of the Holy Spirit. There is an excellent book called Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas that explores this topic more.
  5. We will have more time for our marriage once the children leave home (if you have a marriage left)! I know it is hard to believe that at some point your home will be empty. Research shows us we are married longer without children than we are with children. Once children come it is easy to put your marriage on the back burner, but you have to fight that urge with all you have. Children need to learn early on that their Mommy and Daddy are also wife and husband. They need to see Mom and Dad talking without children being involved. Parents need to have dates. Your marriage needs nurturing just as much as your children.

We all go into marriage with certain spoken and unspoken expectations. Most of those expectations are based on unrealistic movies we have seen or stories we have been told. Sometimes our expectations are unrealistic. Ask God to show you how to love your husband more and to have His expectations for your marriage. Gary Thomas said in his book Sacred Marriage, “What if God designed marriage to make you holy instead of happy?” A very interesting question to consider.

Now, a strong disclaimer with this article; if you are in a physically abusive marriage you must seek help. I would encourage you to seek counseling and shelter if needed. God does not approve of His daughters being abused. Also, if you read this article and feel your marriage needs a tune-up then seek out a solid Christian marriage counselor. You can often get names from your pastor or you can check out www.aacc.net (a listing of Christian Counselors).

One of the joys of being a therapist for so many years is seeing how God can change hopeless, impossible marriages to thriving, fulfilling marriages. God is in the miracle business.

Final Thoughts

In my experience, personally and professionally, it is not if your marriage will ever have rocky times, but when. In marriage you have two sinners trying to make things work and that is not always easy. Seek guidance from wise couples around you and seek counseling if needed.

Till next time,

Kimberly M. Chastain

Kimberly M. Chastain, MS, LMFT is the Christian Working Mom Coach and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She is the author of The Voices of Christian Working Moms, 2 ebooks and an online Bible study. To find out how to receive coaching tips by email daily, go to http://www.kimberlychastain.com/cwmtips.htm. To find out more about her books go to www.christianworkingmom.com. For a free, initial coaching session send an email to free@kimberlychastain.com.